I'm more angy than anything else.

and my heart hurts a little

He can't do that. It's not right. He can't look at me the way he does and touch me the way he has and make me feel so happy, and then forget I'm there when she's here. It's not

right.

Does he not know that that when he touches me and laughs with me and goes out of his way to be with me, that I might start to think that he actually is attracted to me? And that is really hurts me to just be discarded whenever she gives him attention. It makes me feel like a pathetic little puppy dog, waiting for his scraps. Im older than him, this isn't the way its supposed to be. He's supposed to be pining for me. He's not supposed to be able to hurt me.

Why can't I just get it into my head that I'll never be first in his eyes? Him being the entire male population. Unless I'm his little sister, than I'm the greatest most beautiful girl he knows. A little sister. But for every other him, I'm just someone to flirt with and tease.

What's wrong with me? Why am I always the second choice? What do they have that I don't?

This fucking isn't right. There, I said, I've been holding that word in his whole entry. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Man, now I have got all my feeling sorry for myself emotions out and I don't feel sad anymore. I wanna feel sad. I wanna cry. Otherwise I feel nothing, except uncertain. At least when I'm sad I know what's wrong and I know what's going on inside me, but now I just feel

empty.

or something.

I was so excited about seeing him tonight. On Wednesday, at church, he sat next to me and jumped at the chance to be my partner for this activity we did. He laughed at my jokes and it was happy. He gave me a big hug goodbye.

I was excited about seeing him tonight again. He's two years younger than me, but I can't help but feel attracted to him. He's cute, and fun to hang around with and is a genuinely good guy. There aren't a lot of those around. So its all good up to the point when Allison makes a remark, "I think Moore and Bekka are going to hook up."

I saw it too. The way he talked to her, the way he leaned onto her while we were sitting on the couch watching Scream 2, their elbows touching. It was the same way he had been acting with me recently, but apparently he's decided to focus his attention on Bekka now for some reason, randomly.

Fuckity fuck fuck. That what I think about all this.

Oh, and to make me feel even more inadequate, Whitney invited Allison to spend the night with her tonight. She didn't ask me. I know Whitney and Allison are really close and everything, but for a while there I thought
oh i don't know, i guess i allowed myself to think that they thought of me the way I thought of them. My best friends.

I feel so pathetic. So fucking pathetic.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Everytime I type that word I don't feel sad anymore. It's like theraputic or something. That's kind of strange. I don't like it. I want to be sad again! I was crying just five seconds ago. This sucks.

12:03 a.m. November 15, 2003
yesterday . not so yesterday