Suddenly I feel helplessly alone. I'll think about things - about my life, relations, and the like - and get this feeling of lonliness. That I have no one. No one who thinks I'm special or wonderful. I'm not number one to anyone. I'm all alone.

But then I'll stop thinking for a second and all these thoughts will disapear, for a moment, and I'll feel nothing, which is worse.

So, I think I'll sit here for a little while and think about my life, my relations, and the like. And I'll cry. And I'll feel better.

It feels like lonliness, but not realy lonliness. I sit here and think of being lonely, and I feel fake. I'm not alone. A lot of people care about me and love me. I'm important to a lot of people.

But i just want to be sad. I feel like lieing n my bed, and crying. Wrapping myself up in my tears. I feel safe when I cry. I feel sure. Because there's a reason why I'm crying and I know it and everything is clear.

But at times like this, when I want to cry but I'm not really sad, I feel helpless. I feel alone? Maybe. I feel complicated. Yeah. Complicated. I don't know exactly what I"m feeling or why. A thousand emotions are funning throught my heart, and I wish one would settle in. Anyone, I don't care.

I just want to feel sure, secure, safe. I want to know me, and tonight, I don't. I feel so complicated, I just can't understand myself.

I want to feel sad. Just let me be sad. Let that feeling grab a hold of me and let all these tears that I've pent up be released. I want to be open. I want my feelings to flow out of me and I want to see them all lined up neatly in a row in from of me. They'll be patient and wait for their turn as I choose the one I wish to feel. Once I'm tired with that one, I can put it back and pick another. Instead, they all dive in head first into my heart and are fighting for its attention. None are winning. None are losing. They're all just there, wrestling around in my soul, fighting for my attention.

But now I think content is winning. I'm okay with that one.

10:41 p.m. December 03, 2002
yesterday . not so yesterday