I feel like crawling into a ball and crying.

I'm just in one of those moods.

I feel so inadequate. Why won't he notice me? I hate sounding like just another teenage girl, but, you know what, I ama teenage girl, and I do want a boyfriend. So sue me. I just, I sometimes think there is something wrong with me, that no guy would want me. Well, that's not true, guys have asked me out and stuff, just not the kind of guy that I would really like to be in a relationship with. I want a good, respectful, christian guy. Is that really so freaking hard?

I guess I just want someone to hold me. To tell me I'm special. To tell me I'm beautiful. What's so wrong with that?

Everyone else makes is seem so easy. Like Whitney, she walks into a room and she has every male's attention, and I'm just her shadow. This guy Ben, the sweetest guy, I was really into him last year. He loved God and was so kind and funny and cute, and I was totally into him. But he was into Whitney. Duh. Long dark hair, deep dark eyes, tall, slim, funny, nice, affectionate. Who wouldn't want Whitney? If I was a guy I'd be totally into her. And so he was.

It happens all the time. There's always someone else out there better then me. I can never live up to the Whitney's of the world. Why can't someone just accept me for me? Just look at me as I am, with all my flaws and imperfections, and just love me for it.

God does. And I wish that was enough. I hear it all that time, "God loves you not matter what. You don't need man's approval. yadda yadda yadda." Well that's a lot easier said then done. It's hard to cling to God's promises when walking through the halls of my school, seeing all the filth, hearing all the cuss words, and the stories, "I got wasted last night . . " And it's hard not to look in their faces and envy them a little. They don't have to care. They can go out and get trashed and not give it a second thought.

I wouldn't change my situation, though; the peace I have with God. It's just every once and a while, when I feel tired and weak, that I wish I just didn't care.

Oh, and this is totally off the subject and kinda breaks the whole feeling-sorry-for-myself-mood, but X2 was awesome. Marvelous. You have to see it. . . . . . . . The end. .

9:45 p.m. May 04, 2003
yesterday . not so yesterday