it gets so tiring sometimes.

I was upstairs, getting ready for bed, looking at myself in the mirror, thinking I need to do some push-ups tonight and decided what to wear tomorrow and look at that pimple under my nose and I look fat and everything else. I'm so tired of caring. I care so much. I can't help it. I can't look at myself in the mirror and not think I look good and then just walk away. If I don't think I look good, I'll try and try untill I do. I can't not do that. I can't go a few hours at school without going to the restroom and looking in the mirror to make sure my hair is okay and nothing is dripping out of my nose or anything. I just can't.

I wanna try something tomorrow. I'll go to school and not look at myself once. Even if I have to pee, I'll avoid the mirrors. I just want to know that I can do it. I want to show myself that I'm not totally self-absorbed. I always see the girls in the bathroom who spend like five minutes primping themselves in the mirror, applying making and brushing their hair and popping zits and all that crap, and I judge them. I think, "Those girls are so vain. All they care about is how they look. Pathetic." But really, that's me too. And I wish it wasn't.

If only I could get up in the morning, put on sweats and a tshirt, and still look hot. I know a few girls who can do that, and I am so jealous of them. Tomorrow I'm going to do that. I'm going to wear sweats and tshirt and I'm going to look damn hot, gosh durn it. And if I don't, I won't know because I won't look in the mirror.

I'll let you know how it goes.

10:13 p.m. September 30, 2003
yesterday . not so yesterday