Rob just send me a really sweet email. It goes a little something like this:

"Laura,
I just wanted to send you a quick email and tell you what a great job you do with the 78 girls and singing at LIFE. You are a valuable part of this youth ministry and it wouldn't be the same without you. Keep it up!
Rob "

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even though he probably sent a letter like that to all the other student leaders, it's still sweet. I'm glad I have big brother types like Rob and Will (who is my actual big brother, not just a type, which works out nicely). They're so great.

Speaking of males, what's with the good ones, the ones I'm attracted too, having girlfriends? That's so screwed up. Like Brett for instance. He goes to my church. He's a good christian boy with deep brown eyes and he's so sweet and funny and intelligent and he's a musician. He flirts with me a lot too, which isn't fair because it makes me forget he has a beautiful, sweet girlfriend whom he adores and I get my hopes up. How rude. And I kept noticing him looking at me during our student leaders' meeting today. Everytime I'd catch his eye my heart would beat a little faster. And while he was talking to me today about something about music, telling me how we were going to sing one of the worship songs or something, he was only a few inches from me, his deep brown eyes locked onto mine, and it was all I could do not to grab him a kiss him. Actually, I would probably never do that in a million years, I'm too shy, but the thought is nice.
I want to be a couple with him, to do couple things like hold hands and sit next to each other everywhere we go and to be able to see him sing on Sunday or pray and feel so happy inside becuase he's mine. You know? It would just be so nice.

I was feeling the same way about Brett this past April at Overtime. But then he got a girlfriend, but I still held on to the hope that maybe they would break up and he would get together with me and we could live happily ever after, but fast forward six months and they're still together and I decided to stop wasteing my time. But now, I just can't help being attracted to him. He's such a great guy, one of the few that I know. If only there were more guys out there like him, then maybe this wouldn't suck so bad. But alas, the majority of the boys I know are preverted jerks who are just looking for a good time and not anything real. And Brett loves Jesus! which makes him even more desireable.

Sigh. This is so hopeless.

I say that, but I remember a few years back when I was totally into this guy named Ben. He was a year older than me and one of those few rare good guys. I thought he just thought of me like a little sister, because that's how he would act. Then he started dating my friend Whitney and they fell in love and wanted to get married and blah blah blah untill he moved to Atlanta and not soon after broke Whitney's heart and it was all sad and blah blah blah. Well, I was talking to Ben's and mine mutual friend, Kellee, the other day, and apparently Ben had had a crush on me much about the same time that I liked him. Way to tell me! What could have happened between us of I I had not been such a baby and actually told him how I felt? Made a move? Who knows? Sigh. Maybe it's the same with Brett. Maybe he's like, secretly in love with me. That would be sweet.

10:32 p.m. October 12, 2003
yesterday . not so yesterday